Regrets
by MJLS
Summary: Why are you here Zoe?


**Note: **Spoilers for 1X10

* * *

Cal never really liked interviewing the wives of their suspects. They always showed so many emotions in the brief few minutes that is head started to spin when he even thought about it. This time it wasn't even all that different, except, the woman was clearly trying to hide every lie she told and even the truth that came out of her mouth sounded like it was forced. Walking through the halls of the TV station was even more stressful. Te air was so tensed that you could cut it with a knife, and Cal really wanted to break it by just saying something related to the case but he just couldn't think of anything. So he just settled for walking ahead with his usual slouch and the thoughtful look on his face so that no one would notice his inner turmoil. She said something he barely heard but it was enough for him to get a good reply out in the open.

"Oh so it's my fault now?"

"You _left_ me. You left."

"I left _because_ of you."

"Oh so it's _my_ fault now?" Cal growled as he glared at his ex-wife, no matter how beautiful she was and how much he still loved her, he wasn't going to hold back this time.

Gillian had often told him that he gave in too easily when it concerned Zoe, and even now, he wasn't going to let her win this one. Zoe glared at him and walked ahead, her heels making her at least a head taller than him. It made her feel dominant, she had once said jokingly so many years ago when they were still together. He never minded though, they were both the same length without shoes anyway and that's what mattered more to him. She was pushing his buttons and he knew it yet he tried to keep his calm, lashing out towards your ex-wife never really ended well. Cal learned that over the years from the many different cases.

"No I'm saying that you should just open your eyes and start looking what's going on around you."

"My eyes are wide open and they have been for years now. It's _you_ who just decides to live her life with her eyes closed and thinks that the little things in our lives are supposed to be kept secret."

"I never kept anything from you Cal. I never even could. You saw _every_ fear, _every_ doubt -"

"- It wasn't exactly hard to spot the doubt on your face when we were standing at the bloody altar, it was written all over your face."

"You know Cal, everyone, and I mean, everyone, has doubts. That doesn't mean it's the only thing that they feel at that moment."

The silence suddenly coming over them again was making Cal's heart pound in his chest. It was an uncomfortable silence and even Zoe seemed bothered by it. She placed some of her raven locks behind her ear and looked sadly at Cal before her thumb stroke his cheek, "don't try to tell me you weren't feeling any doubt when we were standing there."

He didn't know what to answer to that, he had to admit to himself that he had felt a pang of doubt when he was about to get married to Zoe but he had buried it away in the depths of his mind and never really recalled it again. It wasn't fair towards Zoe however, who had to live with someone who kept recalling it for her and bringing it up again on the most unsuspecting times.

"Thought so," Zoe nodded sadly and let her hand fall back against her side. Cal's eyes shot towards the floor and he refused to open his mouth to say anything to her. He hated admitting that she was right.

"Why are you here Zoe?" Cal asked, finally looking up and not even reminding the radical part of his brain to mask the feelings dancing in those hazel eyes of his.

"Difficult case sweetheart," she smiled, ever so sadly.

"That's not all. There's something else," Cal's eyes squinted together and tried to find a hint on Zoe's face but she just decided to walk further down to the exit, "Roger?"

"Cal, I'm only here because of the case. You just _want _there to be something else."

"I don't want it, I know it," Cal shot back as they walked over the parking lot and towards his car. Zoe remained silent and just got in the car, not saying anything anymore.

"What's going on Zoe? What happened to the trust we used to share?" Cal asked as he just sat in the driver's seat and laid down his hand on hers. She looked at him and her eyes were asking him the exact same question. Sadly enough, Cal knew he didn't have an answer to it.

"There was never a thing called trust between us Cal. You can't have trust if your husband wants to know everything you do."

"Not everything," Cal said in his own defense.

"Everything Cal," she glared at him and removed her hand from under his.

"I just wanted honesty between us luv," the soft voice that said this shocked Zoe so much, it had been ages since she had heard that tone of voice coming from between Cal's lips. Probably even from before their marriage. And that meant something.

"You wanted too much of it Cal. It isn't supposed to be like that in a marriage. Sometimes secrets must be kept."

"Oh so two people that absolutely love each other and spend their lives together for every day of their remaining days are allowed to have secrets just because it makes _them _feel better is that it?"

"I never said that," Zoe shot back, once again narrowing her eyes in a glare at Cal who was glaring back at her albeit with more anger in his eyes.

"No but you implied it," Cal sneered before he started the car and just put his focus on driving instead. Zoe sighed next to him and let her head hang low. From the corner of his eyes he could see the sadness reflected in those dark pools. He resisted the urge to pull over and just hug her right there. He never intended to hurt her but he knew that his ability to spot lies was both a nuisance to her and Emily. It had hurt Zoe more than he knew and that proved something. Clenching his teeth together, Cal swallowed the urge to just take Zoe in his arms and just went for laying his hand on top of hers again.

"I never meant for us to separate."

"Because of Emily?"

"No, well, partly, but because I really did care for you in a way I don't care for anybody else," Cal smiled at her and squeezed her hand softly, "I can't exactly say it's the pure love from fairytales but it was definitely something special."

She smiled back at him and squeezed his hand back before leaning over and planting a loving kiss on his cheek. Cal eyes widened for just a brief second before he smiled and raised Zoe's hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles, not taking his eyes off the road in front of him. Zoe giggled softly and then just shook her head at Cal's advances. He's always been a charmer but now that they were divorced, the flirting was a bit more obvious. She missed this with Roger, just spontaneous kisses and completely random. Yes they kissed, frequently she might even add but it was never like when Cal kissed her. He would sometimes even just plant one on her cheek even if they were in the middle of a negotiation. Actually he had only done that once and it was because he needed a reaction from the person in front of them but it still surprised her to no end and made her smile whenever she reminded herself of that moment.

The anger that floated between them earlier ebbed away as they drove on in silence. Zoe had nothing more to say to Cal and neither did he so they just let their eyes make contact every few minutes, seconds even and smile at each other lovingly before they just continued holding up the silence that was so familiar to them. Cal opened his mouth to say something and Zoe looked at him with curious eyes as he opened and closed his mouth several times in a row before he gave up trying to put his thoughts into words and just kept the silence intact.

"Do you ever," Cal sighed, trying to think of a way to word this best, "do you ever wonder what would've happened if we never divorced?"

"I don't need to wonder Cal, I know how it would've gone. It would've stayed just the same way we were before we decided it was enough and we should separate. Endless arguments over useless stuff and the little bit of love we still have in our heart for each other completely disappearing until we're tired of it."

"We would never grow tired of our arguments Zoe," Cal smiled fondly as he parked the car and opened her door like a true gentleman. She rolled her eyes at his antics but had to smile none the less. She had to admit that she missed this sometimes, his typical gentleman nature that he claimed he got from being from the UK. Zoe never really believed it when he said it but it still made her blush like a 16-year old school girl from time to time.

"We would in time Cal, arguments and sex alone don't make a marriage."

"Emily always hated us arguing," Cal said sadly, "I remember finding her curled up under her blankets once trembling in fear after we argued over something stupid again. Seeing her cry that night broke my heart."

"I didn't want our little girl to be hurt even more Cal, _which _is why I left. Maybe not the primary reason, but it was one of them."

Cal nodded sadly as he listened to his ex-wife, it was a valid reason to leave him but it still hurt him to this day that she had just done it when he was at work. Not even leaving a note just making him realize it on his own when he came home to an empty house. The house that had been so full of live the day before had been deserted and he was left alone. Zoe had called him later that evening to tell him she would be sending him the divorce papers in a few days and he shouldn't try to find them. It broke Cal down and if it hadn't been for Gillian's help, he wasn't sure if he would've survived the next days.

"So I'm left to believe that you left me because of Emily?" Cal raised an eyebrow and walked into his office before he sat down in his chair and Zoe decided to lean against his desk with her arms crossed on her chest.

"I heard my name?" Emily's voice piped up in the room, suddenly filling it with a lighter atmosphere, Cal smiled brightly and motioned to his daughter to come over. Emily placed her bag in one of the vacant chairs and then greeted her father by kissing his cheek. Cal scrunched his nose up and pulled her on his lap.

"Your mother and I were _just _talking about how beautiful you're getting every day," Cal smiled at Emily who simply raised an eyebrow in response and then looked at her mother for confirmation. When neither of her parents was planning on telling her what they were really talking about, she sighed and crawled off Cal's lap.

"Fine, I'm just going to go over to Katie's because, well just because I want to really," Emily shrugged.

"Be back by 9 luv!" Cal yelled after her but Emily had already raced out of his office. Zoe looked over her shoulder to the door that her daughter had just disappeared through and couldn't help but smile fondly at the spot that was now just occupied by thin air.

"She is awfully close to Katie isn't she?" Cal frowned, suddenly pulling Zoe out of her thoughts and making her focus on him again. He was looking deep in thought himself but it didn't take a genius to figure out what he was thinking right now.

"No."

"I didn't say anything!" Cal said affronted.

"You were thinking it, that's enough," Zoe glared, "she's only 15 for god's sake Cal! She has a _boy_friend!"

"Alright fine," Cal held up his hands in his own defence, "but I didn't say anything," his voice sounded so innocent that Zoe looked at him with eyes full of doubt.

"You really look so adorable when you're flustered," Zoe pursed her lips together amused as she looked at Cal who rolled his eyes and muttering some curse words under his breath. Zoe bit back the giggle that threatened to escape from between her lips. Cal cocked his head to the right as he watched her with squinted eyes. She felt his gaze on her and had to admit to herself that for the first time in her life, it made her feel uncomfortable.

"What are you hiding?" Cal mused.

"Nothing Cal. Now drop it."

"You're deflecting," Cal pointed out.

"Alright, you really want to know? I-" she glared at Cal and was about to tell him everything that was bothering her but Loker chose to enter Cal's office at that moment and tell them that Gillian wanted to see them. The two ex-lovers shared a glance between each other before they dropped their current conversation and went on their way to wherever Gillian was at this moment. Before Zoe excited the room however, Cal grabbed her wrist, pressed her softly against his chest and planted his lips softly on her neck.

"We'll talk later."


End file.
